Archive for the ‘Narcissism’


November 7th, 2007

Big egos and bad manners

Good manners are the glue that holds society together. Without these small signs of respect for each other, self-interest and conflict would rule. Some people lack good manners simply because they were never taught them and don’t bother to learn. Others are too self-centred to be concerned with showing courtesy to anyone.

Some people resist expressing thanks or apologizing. They rarely say “sorry” because they hate to admit mistakes or wrongdoing. An apology is an admission that they are not perfect, so they refuse to admit their behaviour caused hurt. They may blame the victim and reject his or her right to be upset, or justify what they have done with excuses, anything rather than apologize.

Some people rarely say “please” or expressly ask for what they need because to admit that they need anything from anyone else is humiliating. As incredible as it might sound, they actually believe others, and especially their partner, should know exactly what they want and should automatically meet all their needs without ever having to be asked for anything.

Expressing thanks is an acknowledgment of some form of reliance on someone and of having been given something that one could not supply for oneself. To narcissistic people saying “thank you” means that they lack something, that they are inadequate in some way, and that they fall short of the perfection they expect of themselves.

In any relationship genuine expressions of gratitude, regret or clear requests for help go a long way toward smoothing out the bumps but those with inflated egos are more concerned in preserving their grandiose view of themselves.

People with low self-esteem tend to blame themselves unduly. People with high self-esteem tend to blame things beyond their control for their failures. Egotist and narcissists blame anything and anyone but themselves and frequently use convenient scapegoats on which to load all their mistakes and transgressions.

We should always insist on the common small courtesies of ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ (which are not signs of weakness but of respect) and demand them from those who normally fail to use them. When we dispel narcissistic delusions of grandeur we do everyone a favour.

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